I tried to get on a boat

Following what some have called "the greatest wedding ever,"  my new husband of 48 hours and I arrived at the Port of Galveston to start our Honeymoon Cruise.  It was March of 2007 and being such a young lass, I did not have a passport yet.  But I was assured by the helpline of Royal Caribbean that so long as I had a birth certificate, I would be able to ride the seas with class.  So, five hours before the boat left, decked out in a white baseball hat with a veil of tulle trailing and a flowery top, I walked up to the counter, first in line of about more than a thousand people, to get my ticket.

For the regaling of this tale we are going to call the woman at the counter Silvia.  Because she seemed like a Silvia.  First, she checked Joe in.  He brought his passport (show-off) and was immediately approved to board the majestic boat of love.  I, on the other hand, had a little more to do.  It's important to note here that the last name on my birth certificate was 'Wyma' (my maiden name), but the name on my driver's license was 'Cordella'.  You may be wondering how I got that turned around so quickly since we had just gotten married two days prior.  This is where I blow your mind and tell you that I had actually been married to Joe since August of 2016.  We had a nice little ceremony in a court house in Texas because I was in need of health insurance.  The only people we told were our parents and we treated it as "the day I got health insurance" not "the day we got married."  I don't even remember the actual date but I do remember he treated me to McDonald's afterwards.  Anyway, I came prepared for this discrepancy with our Marriage License which showed my former name as Wyma and my new name as Cordella.  So there we go, time for some cruising.  However, Silvia had an eye for spotting newly wedded, bright eyed, veil wearing smugglers recruited to aide in the Mexican drug trade.  And she had my number.  So, in the coolest, calmest voice ever Silvia says, "This is the novelty certificate they give you in hospital. This isn't a legal document."  Now, maybe it was my lack of sleep or the fact that I had just gotten over a very (lovely) and stressful event (the wedding) but I immediately decided I did not like her calm tone or her comment.  I said, "well...it's the only one I have.  This "novelty" was used to get me a Driver's License, my Confirmation, into a number of colleges, and MARRIED so I think it's good enough to get onto this boat!"  And Silvia says in her increasingly annoyingly calm voice, "Ma'am, you are not getting on this boat."

Looking back, this was probably where things went wrong.  Have you ever heard someone say the phrase: "...and then I just lost it"?  Well...that would apply here pretty well.  And by pretty well I mean perfectly.  When I get really angry I get sort of cry-y.  So I yell-cried, "I am ABSOLUTELY going to get on this ______ing boat.  What the _____ do you think I'm doing here?  That's my Birth Certificate!  I CALLED YOUR HELPLINE THREE ______ing MONTHS AGO and THEY said THAT'S all I NEED.  So STAMP IT AND LET ME GET ON THE_______BOAT!"  Joe says that I said some other phrases and I guess he's right because eventually Silvia looks at him and says, "If you don't calm her down I'm getting Security."  PSHHHH...Lady, like that scares me!  But it scared Joe enough that he made me sit in the corner of the holding pen (if you've ever been on a cruise you know that's pretty much what it looks like in there) and he stayed and talked to nasty Silvia a little more.  Here's a good time to explain the difference between Joe and myself.

When I say something like, "...and you're gonna get me the ____ on this boat or I'm gonna come over this counter and make you."  Joe says things like, "o.k. so what exactly does she need in order to go on the cruise?  What if we were to fax a copy of her real Birth Certificate here, would that work?"  And when I say something to the effect of, "do you even know what you're doing?  How long have you worked here?  Who the hell do you think you are not letting me on the boat-my in-laws paid good money for this Honeymoon!  Is that haircut a choice?"  Joe says something to the effect of, "o.k. great.  what is your fax number?  Thank you."

Mission 1 was to get my "real" Birth Certificate faxed from the county in Michigan over to Silvia.  Back in 2007 we didn't all have the internet in our hands.  In fact, we were lucky Joe even had a Nokia to call on...but he did and he made a call to his friend Shelly who two days prior had been at our wedding but now should be sitting in front of her computer at work and could use that to get us in touch with Ottawa County Public Records (where I was born).  We get the number, we call, they are happy to get us a copy but we need to order it online...o.k. so that's just going to be a quick call back to Shelly who could do it for us.  The only thing is the credit card that is used must be mine.  Samantha Wyma.  But, if you're following, and God bless you if you are, my new last name is Cordella and that's what my credit card says.  So the Ottawa County lady (who by the way is in full understanding of the situation because she can hear me wailing in the background while Joe talks to her) mentions that as long as it's a credit card that has the last name Wyma we can do it.

Mission 2 is to get my mom and dad's credit card number.  So I call my dad who only has a cell phone because his work gave it to him (Thank You Baby Jesus for Allstate Insurance Company), and he answers after two rings.  "Hi! Shouldn't you be on a boat?", he says.  Begin Water Works part III.  "OK, Dad...they aren't going to let me on the boat.  Birth Certificate is the kind you put in a baby book not the kind that gets you out of the country. I need your credit card number.  Silvia is mean.  Need my real one faxed."  Dad says, "Sam, I have to go...they are boarding the plane" (I can hear my mom telling my dad to get off the phone they need to leave).  So...as only a daughter can do I say, "Daddy, don't get on that plane. Please."  And he doesn't.  And he gives me his credit card number.  And Mission 2 is a success.

Shelly orders birth certificate online.  Once ordered, it is faxed to Royal Caribbean.  So now, we just need it notarized.  And since Silvia is in the business of ruining peoples lives, Royal Caribbean has a notary on retainer that comes to the port every time a ship leaves.  However, she has already left because no one needed her earlier and she had to go witness a wedding.  YOU ARE ______ING KIDDING ME!  Silvia says if she gets back in time to notarize it I can go but final call for boarding is happening in about 15 minutes.  And I look around and the whole place is cleared out.  Everyone is on the boat but us.  During the last four hours I have cried it out, screamed it out, held my breath, de-railed my dad from returning home from my Texas wedding, and pretty much berated a middle-aged woman named Silvia.  And then, like an angel sent from the Almighty Himself, in walks the most beautiful Notary Public I have ever seen.  Or at least, that's what it seemed like to me at the time as she signed her name on my ink-stained fax sent from Michigan paid for by my dad by a girl that Joe used to know who happened to be at work.  It was all meant to be at that moment.  And maybe because I was feeling like God was smiling on me, I needed to smile on someone else.  So I apologized to good 'ol Silvia, and told her to have a nice day.  And in her most professional, casual manner she said, "you enter from over there" and dismissively pointed toward the ramp that led to the boat.  She adds, "In the future, you will do well to remember that you'll catch more bees with honey than vinegar, Sweetheart."  And, because I am nothing but a generous, gracious, heart-of-gold person, I didn't turn around and slap her in the face.